Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Sunday Morning

Howdy friends and family.  As I’ve promised I’m documenting Ryan’s and I’s story through this crazy foster-adoption process.  So, here I go the continuing of our “SAGA”.

Feb 5th Ryan and I attended the informational meeting for foster-adopting. In case you were wondering we are going through Christian Family Care as our agency. This meeting was to give families an idea of what’s expected when foster-adopting.  Very much a sifter of shorts. This gets out any family that is really not ready, an opportunity to ask questions.  This meeting went amazing and only encouraged Ryan and I to continue with even more love and enthusiasm.  WeI left excited with the starter packet and application in hand.

A few days later I completed the application mailed it in. Before I knew it I was being called by a social worker to make our first interview for Feb 16th. How exciting and nerve racking.  Ryan and I prepared as much as we could. Cleaning our home in frantic mode.  We asked and answered to each other in potential question they could have for us. We where not going to go down unprepared.  I was a nervous wreck. I can only assume this is what nesting would feel like. :-)

Feb 16th came, house clean the door bell rang. There it was, it had started. The social worker and us sat down at the table and started to casually talked. He asked us about our faith, where we are with Christ, why we where doing this. What we thought we would get out of it. The types of children we wanted, the ages. All the normal stuff. Then it happened. It started to ask about our past our lives.  

He looked at both of us and simply asked this question. “Do either of you have a criminal background history?” My heart stopped!  This is hard for me so bare with me.........breath Dena....breath...breath I’m telling this to myself as I write this since this is SO HARD FOR ME to talk about?. I had to answer "Yes."  

This is why!  As I stated in 2010 I had a hysterectomy. This surgery in more then one way turned my life UPSIDE DOWN. It made me crazy.  I went from feeling normal to all of a sudden having hot flashes, night sweats and mood swings like NEVER before.  Now, most women when having a hysterectomy would be put on an estrogen replacement of some sort. Not ME! This is because they had found cancerous cells remaining and I was told that estrogen would only feed that cancer. I was told that I could not be put on estrogen for 6 months to ensure that the cancer would not continue to grow and return! UGH!  When i was told this I didn’t know how this would effect me. Let me tell you, BOY did it affect me.

May, and June came and I was a fiasco. By the time July hit my migraines were crazy due to hormone imbalance, my emotions totally out of wack and I was not sleeping. I mean, I live in AZ!  Just imagine being outside and it’s 120 degrees and you have a hot flash. I could only compare it to what hell would feel like and be glad I was definitely not going there EVER.

July 10th came and It was a Sunday morning. Ryan and I were living in a small apartment that had paper thin walls and no insulation. We had got into an argument and it just escalated. I can’t even tell you what the argument was about but it got heated and elevated fast.  Before I knew it Ryan and I were in a full on yelling match.  We’ve never been in an argument like this and it truly felt like an out of body experience. 15-20 Minutes go by and we finally take a step back decide to go our separate ways to let things cool down and to come back and talk.  Before he left the house in my fit of rage no other way to describe it, I punched two hole in our bedroom door.  

I was mad because I knew this argument could have been prevented yet I was filled with furry and I couldn’t seem to manage. Ryan had left to get out of the house to give us space.  I remember sitting on the bed shortly after and praying in tears asking the Dear Lord to save me from myself. I was literally my own worst enemy.  I can’t do this and I’m sorry. I didn’t even know what had even happened.  Well, it was not even moments later when a Police Officer was at my door. The neighbors of course had heard our fight and called the cops.  I invited them in, and told them what happened. I apologized and explained that Ryan and I had got into an argument and it escalated but we took a step back and decided to separate in order to give us time to cool off and pray.  What I didn’t know was they had caught Ryan outside before leaving. An officer was outside speaking to him as well.  Both of us telling our story and being truthful. The officer asked “Did you hit your husband?” I said, “Absolutely NOT!”  I had already removed the door to get it repaired so it was no longer viewable. The officer did not see it. The officer encouraged us to live quietly and be respectful of each other and others.

The officer had started to leave when he came back in and asked, “Where is the door?” I was confused, “The door?” He said “Your husband mentioned you punched a hole in the bedroom door?” I was truthful not trying to hide anything and answered I said, “Yes, I punched our bedroom door after our argument and I removed it so I could replace it.”  He then started to read me my rights, I was turned around hand cuffed and arrested for domestic violence, disturbance of the peace and destruction of property. I was in shock and in tears. It was all my worst fears coming true.  I couldn't believe it.  I didn’t hit my husband, I didn’t even do it with him in the room! I was alone and angry. And then It hit me.  I had let go but not let GOD.  I allowed my rage to consume me.  I was shattered, broken and devastated.  

The whole car ride to the police station I was apologizing to the officer not making excuses and praying to myself. Fervently praying I sat in the car at a loss. I was broken and crushed.  This nightmare was relieving itself in my head and I couldn't stop it.  That was the problem. I was trying to do it and not letting GOD.  

I was processed and put in a jail cell.  Not knowing how this works I was scared. Very scared. Here I was a 32 year on the floor of a jail cell on my knees crying and screaming out for my God. I didn’t understand. A migraine had started to sit in and I was consumed with my pain. I was ashamed.  I couldn’t get off my knees. I didn’t deserve to stand after what had happened. 

Since I got arrested on a Sunday and court does not start till Monday morning I was taken downtown to county to be held overnight till I could see a judge.  I then found myself in a cell with 10 other women for the next 36 hours. I was terrified.  No room to lie down nor do you want to, everything smelled like urine and was disgusting. I was in severe pain and completely exhausted.  I was surrounded by people but completely alone at the same time.  I was able to make a few short phone calls to Ryan but with no ease to my pain.  

Fear of looking weak consumed me. Crying was not an option in front of the other women for I saw what they said and did to the women who appeared weak.  I had no desire to enter into small talk with the ladies.  I was going through the motions and in non stop prayer to my God to help me.  Finally after 34 hours of tormenting myself I heard the voice of God on my soul. That he had forgiven me. I sat there saying thank you Lord but feeling very undeserving.

I went from Chandler to County back to Chandler for court Monday morning back to county to complete my processing and then picked up late Monday night.  I remember getting into the car with Ryan and hugging him saying sorry and please forgive me. As tears filled each others eyes we knew that we had not allowed God to be in that moment. That this was our fault and we would have to change.  I got home, took the hottest shower I could and then slept for 18hours. 

Sometime on Tuesday I woke up and the first thing I did was call my Doctor to be put on estrogen. I no longer was going to try to handle this on my own and the voice of God said, I’ll be OK take the meds.  I met with my doc explained my drastic mood swings due to no estrogen and that I needed it immediately. With in 72 hours I was on medication and feeling relieved but not comforted. 

This story breaks my heart. I was at my lowest point and I never wanted to relive it.  Since this I’m on estrogen daily with complete fear of missing a dose for I know what could happen.  I was thankful that I was only charged with misdemeanor charges and that with 25 hours community service and 30 hours of counseling my record would be clean but not forgotten. 

I put myself in Mending the Soul Therapy and decided that I was going to allow God to use this for His will. That my sin is my fault but I can use this for His Glory.  I’ve seen some pretty amazing things come from this devastation but only because I allowed my God to use me, mold me and change me with this. There are not very many days that I do not re-live this event.   had forgotten what my knees are for and I had forgotten what my God was for.  I had allowed myself to use God but only when it was easy. Well, that was going to stop and it did.  

With all this said, Ryan and I are going to continue the application process and get fingerprinted, From what I was told I will get rejected through the state for adoption but we can appeal, and then appeal again!  God’s put this on our hearts and nothing is going to keep us from His will again.  When God can be for you then who can be against you? Can I get an AMEN?

So, now we wait. We wait for the rejection and then we wait to appeal. Our process that was going to take 4-6 months will now look more like 6-9 months.  I got an amazing God who loves me and my heart. He will not let me down for He is always with me! For even in suffering I will find joy! Romans 5:3-6 and James 1:2-5

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